Scene 1
OSBORNE:
Hello, Europe.
EUROPE:
Hello, Mr Osborne.
OSBORNE:
You know that recalculation of the national contributions that you do every
year?
EUROPE:
The one that takes into account changes to each country’s economy?
OSBORNE:
Yes, that’s the one. This year, we’d like you to recalculate it going back to
1995.
EUROPE:
1995? That’s a long –
OSBORNE:
Yes, we’ve just had our economic growth revised going back to 1995, and it
turns out our economy has grown more quickly than we thought. We’re very happy!
EUROPE:
You do realise that this will probably mean –
OSBORNE:
Look, I’m a busy man. Just get it done and don’t trouble me with details.
EUROPE:
Of course.
Scene 2
EUROPE:
Hello, Mr Cameron. We’ve recalculated your EU contributions and you owe an
extra £1.7 billion.
CAMERON:
What? This is madness!
EUROPE:
But we’re just applying the formula that you –
CAMERON:
Don’t give me your weaselly excuses! This will not stand!
[to audience] We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We
shall –
EUROPE:
But this is just –
CAMERON:
Shut up! I’m doing leader stuff!
[to
audience] We shall fight on
the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the
fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never
surrender!
Scene 3
OSBORNE:
So, this payment.
EUROPE:
Yes?
OSBORNE:
Does our rebate apply to it?
EUROPE:
You mean the rebate that applies to all your payment?
OSBORNE:
Yes.
EUROPE:
Yes.
OSBORNE: [to audience] Damn, I’m good.
And
could we get an advance on the following year’s rebate?
EUROPE:
That will mean that the following year’s rebate is smaller.
OSBORNE:
Do I look like a man who cares about the following year?
EUROPE:
Fair enough.
OSBORNE: [to audience] People of Britain! I have
secured a famous victory and halved the bill!
EUROPE:
But that’s not –
OSBORNE:
Shut up! I’m being triumphant!
AUDIENCE
MEMBER: Excuse me, why is government borrowing £50bn higher this year
than you said it would be?
OSBORNE:
Shut up, nobody cares! Anyway, it’s Labour’s fault. And Europe’s. And Labour’s.
The real story here is that I have secured an unimaginably vast £0.85bn
reduction to our bill! So let us –
EUROPE:
It really isn’t a –
OSBORNE:
Be quiet, man, I’m trying bask in my own peroration here! So let us therefore
brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves, that if the British
membership of the EU lasts for a thousand more days, men will still say: this was their finest hour.
