Monday, August 10, 2009


Huzzah! I’m FIT TO BE A BRIT! I’ve passed the British Citizenship Test! Or rather, I’ve passed the online mock questionnaire based on samples from it (hat tip to Don).

This means that:

  • I am officially BETTER than JOHNNY FOREIGNER.

  • I am officially BETTER than 86% of SO-CALLED BRITS, who FAILED, and who will surely soon be DEPORTED for TREASON.

While the actual test itself isn’t online, there is a guide to the topics. Flushed with success, I’ve had a stab at some of these too:

Q: Where have migrants come from in the past and why? What sort of work have they done?
A: Migrants have come from Overseas. They come here because Overseas is made of grease, disease and trickery, whereas Britain is made of beef, grit and pluck. They have taken our jobs.

Q: What is a CV?
A: A document whose contents purport to show your past successes but whose existence demonstrates your current failure.

Q: How is political debate reported? Are newspapers free to publish opinions or do they have to remain impartial?
A: Political debate is reported in the sports and showbiz pages. Newspapers are banned from printing facts but may publish as many opinions as they like, as long as those opinions are wrong.

Q: How many people in the UK own their own home?
A: It’s down to about 12 now. But those 12 are MPs, so they actually own 24 houses between them. Although some of those houses are for ducks.

Q: What do estate agents do? What do solicitors and surveyors do?
A: Nothing. Slowly.

Are YOU a good Britizen? Take the test. Or try Simon’s more practical alternative citizenship test.


Matt M said...


I blame the Muslims. If they only made up 1% of the population I would have got that question right and passed the test.

I will now deport myself in shame.

Fcb said...

Hah - "112" for emergencies?
Since when?

Failed, of course.

Tom Freeman said...

I think 112 is actually pretty old - dates back to the days of phones with dials, making '999' a pretty time-consuming number to dial while your house fills with smoke. 112 was set up as a quicker alternative, but I don't think it was ever that widely known.

Bob-B said...

It is very un-British to be so successful. You should fail, but narrowly so that it is a gallant failure. As it happens, this is precisely what I did.

Liam Murray said...

I failed.

But to my credit I resisted the temptation to post on the fact that one of the questions was 'What is the purpose of the Council of Europe'?!

witwoud said...

No Briton should be able to answer half of these questions. Anybody scoring above 75% would do better to apply to Germany where they applaud such keenness.