Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Doing my bit for the cuts

At first I sneered, but then I felt guilty and resolved to help out by adding my own suggestions to the government’s Cut-U-Like website.

You can read my ideas here, at least until somebody realises and takes them down. Either way, I’ve reproduced them below:

How to save money literally
  1. Require retina scans to get into government buildings. All the faceless bureaucrats will be unable to enter as they have no eyes. They will have to stop drawing their salaries and get proper jobs for instance circus freaks or estate agents’ gimps.
  2. Use plain coloured tape rather than red tape for regulations. This will save money on unnecessary extravagant dye.
  3. Find a feckless single mum and start a religion around her based on the fact that she has become a mum without having ever had a feck. Demand a tithe from followers.
  4. Put an end to the something for nothing culture. Parminides said that “ex nihilo nihil fit”, which means that nothing comes from nothing and so welfare scroungers are breaking the laws of metaphysics. We should have more people like Parminides running the country except he was a foreigner.
  5. Protect front line public services. But get planning permission to move the front line to somewhere unpopulated like Leighton Buzzard and then you will be able to cut everywhere else.
  6. Harness the power of the black hole in the public finances to create a space time wormhole that will allow interstellar travel and then sell it to the military of a proper country.
  7. Abolish gold plated public sector pensions and put them in envelopes instead. And paper is lighter than gold so you will also save on the postage as well.
  8. Stop spending so much money on waste. I produce plenty of waste especially after curry night and can sell it to you much cheaper.
  9. Put a cap on immigrants. Make it a stupid one like William Hague used to wear so they will not want to come here and ruin our Green and Pleasant Land and expect us to pay them for the pleasure.
  10. You should have a bonfire of the quangos but the Health and Safety will never allow it because some chav kid with so called ADHD might run into the fire and get hurt. Yet they turn a blind eye to civil servants burning our money and that creates an even bigger fire. We have a smoking ban but they forget there is no smoke without fire and I think I have lost control of this metaphor now and need to stop.

You must be careful implementing these cuts. Above all make sure that they are PROGRESSIVE by means of saying that they are.

(Thanks again to Clifford for setting me off.)


Tom Freeman said...

A kindly member of the public has commented on my submission!

"This post has been tagged with "reduce immigration". The post does not address the subject of immigration. Why is such abuse of data being allowed by the Treasury? This abuse incorrect links the OP to subjects they have not posted on and can cause offence. Why has this been allowed to occur and for certain people to abuse the Systems and skew data and public perceptions?"

Point 9 does of course very directly address the issue of immigration, so ha!

I also note that somebody has tagged it with 'abuse' and 'incompetent webmaster'. But quite frankly I think that the government spends far too much of our taxes on bossy bureaucrats. Surely a bottom-up system of self-regulation would be more efficient than employing an army of sinisterly-titled 'webmasters' to make inconvenient truths disappear down the memory hole?!?!!???

My post has a current star rating of 3.8, based on 7 votes. I'm sure this could be improved...

Tom Freeman said...

Bah, and now they've deleted my post. Shame on them.

Niall Smith said...

Am i allowed to post my contribution? I know it's frowned on in polite internet circles (it irritates the hell out of me on newspaper comments)

Anyway, feel free to delete as appropriate -

Anonymous said...

I think Niall's one is brilliant. The only danger is that the people in this big room might decide to avoid making their own decisions and get the 'people servants' to set up some stupid website...

Tom Freeman said...

Shameless self-publicising is indeed bad form. However, there's a loophole for good ideas - like this one!

Ole Phat Stu said...

Chav sentencing for even the most minor repeated crimes reduced to Monopoly Rules, viz: Go directly to Jail, do not collect 200 quid (but pay it instead).

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