Do I have to spell it out for you?

‘Tom’ stands for Treasure Offering Massage – so says the Sexy Names Decoder (spotted at Rullensberg Rules).

(My middle name, Aneurin, works out better: Adonis Needing Erotic Undulation and Rapturous, Intense Necking.)

It reminds me a bit of the place I used to work, where I sometimes had to give out my email address over the phone. It was tf@[companyname].com. The trouble was that F sounds very like S, and so I had to give example words beginning with those letters to clarify.

For the first few times, I tried “Er, T for Tom and F for Freeman,” which, while technically effective, did make me sound like a witless gimp with a brain made of toffee and cotton wool.

Before long, I had a go with “TF – as in tango foxtrot – at…”. Now, I happened to be the only male in my area of the office, and when I finished the call, I was met with “You’re such a boy!”-type ridicule. So I asked these infinitely wise and imaginative women with whom I worked for a suggestion on what TF might stand for.

This is a family blog, so I’ll leave you to work out the reply.