Politics is showbiz for ugly people: two spoof songs

Chicago is my favourite musical – partly because it’s fantastic, and partly because I was once in a production of it at the Edinburgh Fringe (long ago, in the days when the concept of me singing and dancing was just a bad joke and not a crime against humanity).

Via Alix Mortimer, here’s a great take-off of the Chicago number ‘All I Care About is Love’ by Will Howells (over a year old but still good):

I don’t care about new policies
Climate change, celebrities
Don’t mean a thing
All I care about is Dave
That’s what I’m here for

I don’t care for building railway tracks
CO2, income tax
Don’t mean a thing
All I care about is Dave
(All he cares about is Dave)

What to do: Vote blue, get blue
Please just say “I’ll vote for you”
Make me heir to Tony Blair
But please don’t mention I’m a millionaire

I don’t care about us taxing less
Primary schools, the NHS
No, no, not me
All I care about is Dave
(All he cares about is Dave)

Show me good opinion polls
Show me that I’m on a roll
And when the papers big up DC
Forget elections, that’s enough for me

I would never cycle very far
With my workshoes coming in my car
No, no, not me
All I care about is
Getting myself in to Number Ten
Though I’ve no idea what I would do then
All I care about is Dave!

After I saw this, I wondered if there might be mileage in a Gordon Brown version of ‘Mr Cellophane’. And I think there is:

If someone stood up in the House
And squashed that Cameron like a mouse
And roared and thumped the despatch box
You’d vote for him

If someone on the evening news
Said “Let me now explain my views
I’ll save the world economy”
You’d vote for him

And even without charming like a Blair
Every leader gets fans here and there
Unless, of course, that poor leader should be
Unlikeable, unelectable me

Low-Acclaim, Mister Low-Acclaim
Shoulda been my name, Mister Low-Acclaim
'Cause you can hear my speeches
See my policies
And never know I'm right
I tell ya, Low-Acclaim, Mister Low-Acclaim
Shoulda been my name, Mister Low-Acclaim
'Cause you can hear my speeches
See my policies
And never know I'm right

Suppose you was a swing voter
Paying lots to run your motor
And the PM had a long-term plan
You’d vote for him

Suppose you was the media
And found politics seedier
Then came a man of principle
You’d vote for him

A Prime Minister’s made of more than spin
With all that substance, surely he can win
Unless that PM trying to please you
Is dour and gloomy, unengaging
You-know-who

Low-Acclaim, Mister Low-Acclaim
Shoulda been my name, Mister Low-Acclaim
'Cause you can hear my speeches
See my policies
And never know I'm right
I tell ya, Low-Acclaim, Mister Low-Acclaim
Shoulda been my name, Mister Low-Acclaim
'Cause you can hear my speeches
See my policies
And never know I'm right
Never even knoooooooooowww I’m right
(Hope I didn’t spend too much of your money)

(With apologies to John Kander and Fred Ebb)