Monday, May 04, 2009

Petites petitions

You may have heard of the Downing Street website petition calling on Gordon Brown to resign. At time of writing, it’s by far the most popular one on the site, with 48,136 names.

There’s also one saying: “We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to resist any attempt to get him to resign or call an Election.” Which is nice. It currently has 171 signatures, including: Gordon Brown; You are totally mental; Damien McBride; Joseph Stalin; Baldrick; Gordon's mum; joseph fritzl; Robert Mugabe; Bollocks!; Brown is a Bell End; Do I get expenses for this; Lazy bastard workshy sponger; cocknose; Elvis; David Cameron; One word - UNELECTED DICTATOR; David Cameron's mum; Half a million Asylum seekers; The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Child Catcher; Adolf Hitler; Beelzebub; Shergar; David Cameron; Joseph Stalin; David Cameron; Jesus H. Christ; Mick Jagger; Abu Hamza; and David Beckham.

Good luck to them all.

But that got me thinking: what about the less popular petitions? If this blog stands for anything, then it stands for the right of lonely aggrieved weirdos to howl into the dusty caverns of the internet. So I looked to see if there were any petitions signed by only one person. And there are plenty (click on ‘last’ to get to them).

A select few:

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to…

  • Reduce the overall cost of Labour by 20%
  • allow all cadets that are part of drill team in the atc to wear no1 uniform
  • Support the Somali Government
  • instruct the Department for Health to offer elective removal of cervix to post-menopausal women
  • Repeal the Trinitarian Act 1812
  • seek out those who use amature radio elegaly
  • Make Justice Fast, Cheap and Easy Wherever Possible
  • reduce road tax and petrol prices on vespas, and to remove V.A.T. on fred perry shirts and sta press jeans
  • Stop the noise from the M56 disturbing the residents of Frodsham and Helsby
  • Ban the use of Methyl Methacrylate (MMA) in the Nail Industry
  • make a State Funeral compulsory for a serving Prime Minister
  • Educate for reducing populations
  • Do freespeak in the chamber
  • To introduce a Statuary Law Offence Compensation Order or to use an acronym S.L.O.C.O
  • make school in britian start and finish at the same time
  • make it so that, as well as having a legal drink age of 18, one must also seek to attain a license to prove that they can drink responsibly
  • exempt all those that receive Incapacity Benefit from having to pay the Council Tax
  • buy a already working nhs computer system from a manufacturer who has already sold the system and it is known to work
  • Ban All Loudspeakers

A fine mixture of the good, the bad and the freakish.

In case you were wondering: the Trinitarian Act 1812 is what legalised the practice of Islam; Frodsham and Helsby are just south-east of Runcorn in Cheshire and the M56 runs right next to them; methyl methacrylate is used on fingernails (not carpentry nails) and is banned in the USA, although not here, because it can damage the nails; a Statuary Law Offence Compensation Order may have something to do with statues or it may be a typo for Statutory etc., but makes no sense either way, and the mere giving of an acronym for a vague phrase that you’ve made up is no sort of explanation, you fool; and loudspeakers are bloody loud.

The Conservatives would certainly agree that the cost of Labour is too high, and I suspect that many of the ‘Brown resign’ petitioners would be happy to go along with “make a State Funeral compulsory for a serving Prime Minister”. Making school “start and finish at the same time” would doubtless be popular with kids.

If you like any of these ideas, why not sign up today?

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