Moo (Or, ‘A careful look at recent developments in science and policing’)

While dozing with the radio on, I managed to confuse two stories in my head. And so I found myself wondering why a senior judge would want all hybrid human-cow embryos to have their DNA registered with the police, even if they hadn’t committed a crime.

Most human-cow hybrids are very law-abiding, you see, in contrast to the fully human feral youths that roam our streets, wearing their asbos as a Badge of Pride (© every lazy hack in the business).

The extra cow DNA produces youngsters that are more docile and more inclined to chew their food properly (although admittedly they fart and drool more). Many go on to hold down successful careers as TV presenters. I can see no reason to drag these decent, honest Bovo sapiens down to the police station for the intrusive humiliation of having swabs taken and entered into a sinister government database.

I do appreciate that members of the human community may feel discriminated against due to their disproportionate likelihood of being stopped and arrested and having their DNA taken, but if they don’t like it they should stop being such a load of thieving violent workshy good-for-nothings.

(NB for those horrified at the prospect of part-cow-part-human embryos: get over it. Genetically, you are already largely cow. You are partly sycamore tree, mostly chimpanzee and well over 99% genetically identical to me. This last number explains your good looks, by the way.)