Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Myths about sentencing

Future of 'Titan' jails in doubt

Sometimes a news headline sends your mind in completely the wrong direction…

Tartarus, the dungeon at the most awful depths of the underworld, may be mothballed following Home Office cuts.

Hades, the prisons minister, said that it was no longer cost-efficient for the high-profile detention centre to be used exclusively for imprisoning the Titans defeated in war by the Olympians.

It is proposed that Tartarus will instead be used to house lesser first-time offenders, such as Sisyphus and Tantalus, although sources suggest that the facility will still focus on longer sentences.

Among alternatives being considered for the Titans themselves are a series of prison barges moored off the banks of the Styx, or in some cases, community service. One Titan, Atlas, was sentenced to hold up the sky after the war, as well as tidying litter in local recreation grounds.

The Howard League for Penal Reform issued a statement saying that “the real problem is that the Titans have been imprisoned indefinitely and without a fair trial… Moving them elsewhere will not address this injustice but simply sweep it under the carpet.”

The UN has also criticised the way in which the so-called ‘unlawful combatants’ have been treated while in Olympian custody.

Speaking at Prime God’s Question Time yesterday, Zeus dismissed such concerns as “misplaced sympathy for the offender” and suggested that he may introduce fast-track ‘thunderbolt’ legislation to bypass the judiciary, frequently seen as more liberal than the government.

The Conservatives have argued that the underworld itself is not “fit for purpose” and that what the Titans really need is “a hug”.

Update: within an hour of my posting this, the BBC have changed the headline to 'Titan' jails to go ahead - Brown. Pah. All that satire for nothing.

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