Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Ten things that could go horribly wrong with Barack Obama’s inauguration today

  1. A throng of foreign political leaders, each desperate to be the first photographed with him, causes the podium to collapse as they rush him.

  2. When presented with the Bible to swear his oath on, he asks: “Actually do you have a Qur’an? Or possibly the collected fatwas of Ayatollah Khomeini?”

  3. Sarah Palin shoots him.

  4. As soon as he’s been sworn in, he grabs at his face, which turns out to be a mask, ripping it off. He’s really Dick Cheney! He laughs maniacally and cries: “Fools! Now I will destroy you all,” before proceeding to destroy us all with an orbiting death ray, built using public funds by a private contractor in which he owns shares. (Well, you never see the two of them photographed together, do you?)

  5. The credit crunch proves to be so bad that the US can no longer afford an inauguration ceremony; the presidency is abolished and the White House sold at auction for $240,000 to the parents of a Chinese student who want somewhere to stay when they’re visiting.

  6. Jimmy Smits turns up drunk and heckles, then tries to pitch a screenplay he’s written called The Santos Clause, in which neither Aaron Sorkin nor anyone else has any interest whatsoever.

  7. George Bush’s final act in his second term is to pardon himself for the crime of seizing a third term, which had been the penultimate act of his second term a couple of minutes earlier.

  8. A retired Hawaiian midwife remembers that Obama was actually born on 4 August 1959 and not 1961, as had been mistakenly written on his birth certificate; as Hawaii only became the 50th state on 21 August 1959, he was therefore not born in the US and is not eligible to become president.

  9. Obama decides that, for tactical reasons, he should not be sworn in: as he is a Democrat, this could alienate the conservative-leaning independent voters on whose goodwill his re-election campaign will depend. He decides to spend his first term just as president-elect, which he has thus far been very good at, while Joe Biden actually runs the place. Obama gets himself a daytime talk show, called Barack Hussein Obama Talks With Supposedly Ordinary Yet In Fact Theatrically Dysfunctional Americans Regarding Their Personal Problems, In Front Of A Surprisingly Judgmental Studio Audience Who Seem Not To Appreciate Just How Audacious Hope Can Be. It gets cancelled after three episodes.

  10. His inauguration speech fails to solve all the problems of the world.


Chris said...

11. Millions of people find the ending disappointing when the relationship between Josh and Donna is not properly resolved.

12. Tina Faye shoots Obama.

13. The Supreme Court reverses its decision on Bush v Gore and we have to sit through the last eight years again before Obama can be sworn in.

14. Aliens appear and ask to be taken to your leader exactly 1 minute too early.

15. Obama announces that rather than take up the presidency he will move to LA and produce a stunningly unfunny SNL-style skit show.

16. While everyone is out on the portico listening to the speech, Hillary Clinton slips into the White House and changes all the locks.

17. Obama's inaugaral speech is interrupted after two minutes by the events director so they can get on to Best Supporting Actress.

18. Obama's speech is made in front of a banner declaring 'Mission Accomplished.'

19. While everyone is out on the portico listening to the speech, Bill Clinton slips into the National Archive and adds 'spouse of Vice-President' to the Presidential Succession Act of 1947, between Secretary of State and Secretary of the Treasury.

20. The Chief Justice gets confused and tries to tip the president.

Chris said...

21. (Noticed while watching this shindig) The danger that the announcer may, after introducing Obama, say 'Lllet's get rrready to rrrummmmbbble.'

Tom Freeman said...

22. The risk of Obama dying of laughter at some of the audience's headgear.

Tom Freeman said...

Happily, none of these things happened. And nor was there a jackhammer problem...