Friday, October 13, 2006

Divided by a common language

I think America’s great. To help maintain the special relationship between our two countries, here’s a handy guide to US lingo for Brits:

bullhorn – lies told by sexually aroused male
cellphone – be free from slavery
duplex – deceive a superhero’s arch-enemy
faucet – what to do to a tap when it’s stuck
freeway – manner of dress involving elasticated-waist trousers (q.v. beltway)
hobo – dual-purpose garden tool: can remove weeds and fire arrows
jello – a wobbly, out-of-tune string instrument
ladybug – electronic device for eavesdropping on high-society women
popsicle – exploding scythe substitute; a must-have for every busy modern grim reaper
sidewalk – crab-like motion
spigot – saliva produced by jockeys
teleprompter – family member who reminds you that their favourite programme is about to start on a different channel from the one you’re watching
turnpike – become fishy
wiener – foodstuff that coaxes you away from consuming liquids
zip code – secret method of undoing a dress in the dark

Any additions most welcome. Some suggestions: diaper, pacifier, spigot, realtor, caboose, downtown, station wagon…


Witkin said...

This is all very good Freemania, but what about a photo?

Tom Freeman said...

I hear what you're saying, but you know how sometimes, really really good-looking people don't get taken seriously as intellectuals? I'd hate for that to happen to me.

Well, maybe a brief description then.

Imagine, if you will, a sort of cross between Brad Pitt and Hugh Grant (both from about ten years ago). Then imagine a scrawny, pasty, badly dressed bloke skulking in the shadows about ten feet behind him, looking lost. That's me... ;-)