Tom for leader!

I would like to announce my last-minute candidacy for the leadership of the Labour Party.

My name is neither Ed nor Miliband, I have never been a government adviser, I have never shared a sofa with Andrew Neil, and I have never been John McDonnell. I have no record of serving in an unpopular government nor of being a disloyal backbencher.

Our great party needs radical change, and what could be more radical than picking as our leader a total unknown with no experience of electoral politics and quite frankly a deep dislike of both politicians and voters?

If elected, I promise to slap my forehead, ask you what the hell you were thinking, and resign.

Furthermore, when the Conservatives held a leadership contest in 1995, I telephoned their Central Office on the day nominations closed and tried to nominate myself (true story; I was 18 and, if memory serves, still drunk from the night before). They refused me, and went on to catastrophic defeat.

We cannot afford to make the same mistake. Vote for me!

1pm update: Bah. I have been thwarted by the ridiculous rule - clearly designed to keep me out - that requires candidates to have more than zero nominations for MPs.