Our campaign pledge to you is that we will cover the election with a thousand types of shiny sheen, each more ephemeral than the last, and then liquidise it and use the latest in hosepipe metaphor technology to cover you with the election. You won’t know what’s hit you!
- Dayjob Tumbleweed, our top political correspondent, will bring you the very latest developments as they’re reported to have happened. Whether it’s a press conference with Bob Ainsworth, a photo-op in a Luton supermarket car park by Chris Huhne, or the executive summary of a policy document that has a digital scan of Theresa May’s signature at the bottom, you can be sure that Dayjob will hear about it somewhere and pass it on.
- Our panel of pundits – Harpy Bloodshot, Bumptious Hasbeen and Drone Otherhand – stand ready to provide pre-instant analysis of each other’s commentary. They will explain why their own parties’ margin-of-error ups and downs in the polls are due to adhering to/departing from what they’ve been saying all along.
- Speaking of polls, we’ll have regular updates from expert psephologist Professor Blip Hornrimmed, renowned for his eight-dimensional hyperswingometer and his lucid explanations of not only what’s going to happen next week but also why what he said last week didn’t really count.
- Creative guru Pony Onetrick – founder of edgy brand consultancy cutPaste-newFont – will be producing witty and insightful spoofs of all the latest campaign tweets, and roving reporter Shortstraw Cliché will spend the campaign on the trail of the elusive swing voter, who is believed to be holed up in a basement somewhere in the West Midlands with five weeks’ worth of tinned food and bottled water.
- Finally, our resident blogger, Glint O’Selfawareness, will be trying to fill space and urging those fools in all the rest of the media to focus more on issues than personalities, without actually having to know very much himself.
Stick with us and we’ll make sure that, come election day, your yearning for death is matched only by your inability to remember which end of the kitchen knife is the stabby bit!
Star columnist and Acting Editor-in-Chief, Freemania