Mr David Cameron opines upon the British electoral system

I had the good fortune to find in the street this lunchtime a draft of Cameron’s opening statement for this week’s debate:

I want to keep our first-past-the-post system. It produces strong majority governments, which is what the country needs. That’s incredibly important. Unless you mean a strong majority Labour government. That would be a constitutional outrage.

But our system does produce clearly legitimate results. Unless it gives us a hung parliament, as all the polls suggest. But that would be a terrible con trick by cynics who refuse to vote the right way, and in those circumstances I’m sure we would be able to rely on our brave Armed Forces to deal with such an awful threat to our democracy.

You see, what I love about our great nation is that it’s usually been run by my party. And I want that proud tradition to continue. That’s why I propose real political reforms that will, by curious coincidence, shaft the Labour party. But I wouldn’t want you to think I was being partisan, as if I were some sort of politician or something. Heavens, no. My reforms will even-handedly shaft any party that has lots of MPs in Scotland, Wales and poorer parts of England, and any party that gets funding from any membership-based organisation set up to promote workers’ rights. What could be fairer than that?

At the end of the day, I believe in trusting people. But trust has to go both ways. So you have to trust me as well. If you don’t – well, it’s funny how accidents can happen, isn’t it? Oops, your society seems to have been broken there. What a shame.

My manifesto was titled ‘Invitation to Join the Government of Britain’. Alas, such is the state of the Royal Mail under Labour that the only acceptance letters I’ve received back have been via the Conservative Central Office internal mail. So it’ll have to be me, George, Ken and the rest of the gang. But maybe that’s for the best. I want to bring our whole nation together, and I can only do that by shutting everyone else out of power completely.

We’re all in this together. And that means you do exactly what I say.